Hey girls. Trouble in paradise. Tommy quit his job. So I dropped him faster than a hate crime investigation against a police officer. I ain’t wastin’ my time wit no broke man! Luckily, I’ve got my target set on a new victim, and if it works out, I’ll never have to worry about money again. He’s rich. Really rich. His family owns almost 10 million square feet of real estate in Manhattan. He’s maintained residences simultaneously in South Salem, San Francisco, New Orleans, Houston, and Galveston, TX, just to name a few. And he’s super talented and famous. His HBO special is being hailed as groundbreaking and historic.
And he is truly a man after my own heart. Remember that two-timing cheat Igor Strelkov? (pictured below, with kitty)
Well, my new man took it upon himself to buy seven dogs, name them all Igor, and then kill them and dismember their bodies. Sure, he did that in the early eighties, more than twenty years before my own Igor dismembered my heart to prepare for dismembering Ukraine. But I still like to think that through the cosmic power of love, Robert brutalized those defenseless animals as an act of peremptory revenge.
And Bobby knows all about peremptory revenge..
All Susan Berman had to do was think about opening up to authorities about the disappearance of his first wife, and she was promptly found dead in her Los Angeles apartment with a single gun shot wound to the back of the head. Bobby has TERRIBLE luck with women.
When his wife Kathleen left him in 1982, he spiraled into a depression he’s still recovering from. He started doing all kinds of weird things like stealing band-aids (to mend his broken heart), and dressing up like a woman. Pay attention, guys. We like it when you’re in touch with your feminine side.
I’m not the only girl who can’t resist a wounded man. Plenty of women have tried to take Kathleen’s place since her disappearance. Like that cheap groupie slut Prudence Farrow. Dear Prudence, won’t you STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MAN???? And then there’s his wife. But I’m not too worried about her.
She looks like she was beaten with the UGLY stick.
Hell, she looks like she was shot in the back of the head with a .38 caliber UGLY gun and then hacked up by the UGLY bow saw, and stuffed into black plastic UGLY bags only to be found the next day in UGLY pieces floating in the UGLY bay with ripped out pages from UGLY WEEKLY addressed to the perpetrator’s home at 1313 UGLY Lane. Anyway, that’s just a marriage of convenience. Plus, Tommy had a wife, and that never stopped me.
Dating a real estate heir is gonna be a change of pace. Usually I go for international spy types or musicians. But contrary to what the Associated Press will have you believe, Robert Durst was never a member of Limp Bizkit. They must’ve misread my change.org petition.
He was, however, featured in a System of a Down video.
I know I usually go for the bad boys, but I swear Bobby is totally innocent. Sure, he might have a minor substance abuse problem. But he did not kill his wife.
Or Susan Berman.
And Morris Black was an obvious case of self defense.
You see, when that evil bitch Jeanine Pirro tried to blame him for his wife’s disappearance, he couldn’t take it.
I mean, having to relive the most painful time in your life? And as a suspect? It was too much. So he ran away to Galveston and hid from the world. But those drifter drop outs are nothing but trouble, and one of them broke into his apartment with a gun. So he rose to the occasion and defended himself.
As for Susan Berman, she was the victim of a mob hit to prevent her from writing a tell-all about her father’s gangster dealings. Prosecutors even positively identified mafia hit man Nyle Brenner as the perpetrator through expert handwriting analysis. What more do you need? Of course the sea is filled with ambitious sharks like Jarecki and Pirro who have to distort the facts and take down a powerful man like Bobby to advance their own careers.
But it’s okay. I know the jury will see the light. They always have before. And once he’s a free man, he’ll divorce that charlatan Debrah and come to me! Until then, I have my dreams to keep me warm.
And a quick congrats to my old boy toy Bibi on the reelection. Ooh, I have Matzah fever!!!
By Miep von Sydow (U.S. Nero)