Loyal readers. We at U.S. Nero LLC do everything we can to keep you informed and to keep you entertained. When our unique (perhaps too unique) brand of absurdist political surf music failed to gain an audience, we went out on the street, kept our noses to the ground, and set out to find something that would make you pay attention to us.
Well, I’m proud to say we have stumbled upon something that works. And that thing is attaching ourselves to whatever you’re already focused on and waving our arms in the background so a few of you will notice us.
This venture most recently has lead us to none other than Robert Durst, America’s favorite over privileged homicidal maniac. We crushed on him. We spammed the shit out of comments sections. We got into Reddit fights. The whole nine yards. And it’s been a wild ride.
But that’s not all. Our dedication is so deep that we travelled to the murky swamps of Southern Louisiana to witness first hand the prosecution of the planet’s sexiest geriatric. Actually, we live there. It required all the effort of rolling off the various couches our friends let us sleep on. But that in itself is an accomplishment! And along the way, we’ve seen some wild things unfold, met some interesting people. And I’m here to tell you about it.
It started on March 23 when I made the bold and informed decision to put on a suit and stand outside the court house with the news people to try to get a glimpse of Robert Durst and his entourage. After four hours of being uncomfortable, I didn’t see a whole lot. Some newscaster who looked like Patrick Batemen stammering some dry details of the trial. Jeanine Pirro wandering around on her cellphone trying to look important. And Dick Deguerin telling the press, “You’ve seen everything you want to see” before being lead off in his SUV with tinted windows.
But things would pick up. On April 2, I sat in on my first actual hearing, accompanied by U.S. Nero LLC staff. We rubbed elbows with elite journalists. Got to watch a flustered DA whine like a college kid asking for an extension on his midterm. All while a tax-dodging judge winced and grimaced at his shrill display. And while Deguerin threatened to have FBI agents jailed for contempt of court (talk about hubris!). And we even saw Robert Durst himself, live and in person.
My future articles, written from the perspective of a fake attorney, will delve further into the intricate and sordid court proceedings. But until then, I have to go play lead guitar in a bar band.