Attorney Mikhail Responds to Dick DeGuerin’s Incredulousness

“Nothing about this case makes sense. In Fifty years of practice I’ve never heard of an indictment being returned three days after the complaint was filed. It seems we now are witnessing a tug-o-war between the State of Louisiana and the Federal Government over who gets the first shot at Bob Durst. All the while the State of California is silent. Someone should ask what the Hell is going on.” ~ Dick DeGuerin on Robert Durst’s increasingly chaotic court schedule


Dick DeGuerin can try all he wants to make his client and himself look like victims. But nobody who’s paying attention has to ask what the hell is going on.

On April 2, the city of New Orleans held a preliminary hearing to determine if they had enough evidence to indict Robert Durst on drug and weapon charges. Durst’s legal team, headed by DeGuerin, had argued that FBI agents illegally searched Durst’s hotel room before obtaining a warrant.

DeGuerin apparently believed he could tie up the legal system and have the case thrown out. Prosecutor Mark Burton complained that the Durst legal team issued close to 200 pages of motions less than 48 hours before the hearing, creating a mound of paperwork that was impossible to pour through in the given time. He asked for an extension. Interestingly, Judge Harry Cantrell exhibited zero sympathy for the prosecutor, whom one would think he’d be trying to work with in order to prosecute a slippery multiple offender who has basically spent his entire life floating above the confines of the law. Cantrell looked uncomfortable and annoyed by Burton’s pleas and granted him only one work day for an extension, instead of the ten he requested. His reasoning: “Lawyers have to work on weekends.”

Amid the pile of paperwork submitted by Durst’s legal team were subpoenas for the two FBI agents who arrested Durst. DeGuerin wanted to prove under examination that their full search of his hotel room had been illegal, and that a proper search warrant had been obtained post facto. Unsurprisingly, the FBI agents did not attend the last minute court hearing, and U.S. Attorney Duane Evans testified that they needed more time for vetting. DeGuerin replied, “It doesn’t take any time to prepare to speak the truth.” He then threatened to have the FBI agents charged with contempt of court and suggested that since the prosecution admittedly did not have a case at the time of the hearing and since the defense did not have the witnesses it had asked for, the case should simply be thrown out.

It appeared the prosecution didn’t have all its ducks in a row. And that DeGuerin was successfully exploiting loopholes in underwritten legislation to undermine the legal process. Prosecutor Burton was shrill in making a case for due process, arguing that the last minute motions filed by the defense were effectively stripping the prosecution of its due process, which it deserved as much as any private citizen. U.S. Attorney Evans twice made an argument that folded in on itself. He would begin by saying that the subpoenas issued by Durst’s legal team were missing certain clauses to make them legitimate. He would then switch to an argument that they simply needed more time to be vetted, making it seem like his argument about improper paperwork would fall apart under scrutiny. Eventually, he made a quip about these subpoenas arriving on his desk “on April Fool’s Day” which earned a laugh from the room.

DeGuerin was really confident on April 2. And rightly so. The judge seemed to be on his side. The prosecutor spent the entire time whining. The hearing was delayed until the following Thursday. But that hearing never took place. By Thursday April 9, Durst had been indicted by a grand jury for possession of narcotics and an unregistered firearm. The next day, he was indicted by the federal government for possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. None of this should come as any surprise. Could DeGuerin have thought the feds would react well to him threatening FBI agents with contempt of court? Attorney Chick Foret, who has been closely following the case, tweeted, “When Durst lawyers tried to subpoena FBI agents, they woke up a sleeping dog.” DeGuerin threw the first punch and is now crying victim over the pummelling.

The sudden Louisiana indictment may have been a power play to snap failing proceedings into a more desirable direction. The sudden federal indictment was more than likely an attempt by the federal government to rescue the case when Louisiana was apparently dropping the ball. Tellingly, DeGuerin’s only complaint has been that these events are unprecedented, not illegal. With his legal knowledge, he’d surely be crying fowl if any abuse of power had taken place. Instead, he’s on the defensive now, complaining about the sort of unorthodox behavior that he revels in. He’s beginning to sound a little like Burton did on April 2.

Dick DeGuerin is a very good attorney. His personable yet professional affect makes it easy to forget how serious the charges against his client really are. He plays the role of a sensible professional navigating a frustrating and unfair legal framework. On April 2’s preliminary hearing, he made the prosecution look incompetent. The federal government had to step in and take responsibility away from the city of New Orleans, whose judge and prosecutor weren’t even getting along, much less working together to ensure a tough trial for a notoriously difficult suspect. The Feds also had to respond to DeGuerin’s grandstanding and attempted bullying of their agents. That’s the short end of “what the hell is going on.”

During the April 2nd hearing, DeGuerin accused the prosecution of playing “hide the ball” for failing to present his witnesses and delaying the trial. Now he’s comparing himself to a short stop who has to “go where the ball goes.” It’s going to take more than folksy sports analogies to get this trial going his way again. And his insistence that Durst be extradited to Los Angeles is proving thinner and more fruitless every day. Simultaneous possession of an unregistered firearm and felony quantities of narcotics is a major offense that spells the end of the road for any run-of-the-mill non-millionaire. Even without a prior felony conviction. Arguing that these charges aren’t serious enough to warrant a real trial compared to the far greater crimes his client is charged with in California does not make DeGuerin look like a common sense professional navigating a silly bureaucracy. It makes him look like a sleazy mouth piece defending an entitled psychopath.

Mikhail (U.S. Nero)


Miep’s Crush of the Month: Robert Durst

Hey girls. Trouble in paradise. Tommy quit his job. So I dropped him faster than a hate crime investigation against a police officer. I ain’t wastin’ my time wit no broke man! Luckily, I’ve got my target set on a new victim, and if it works out, I’ll never have to worry about money again. He’s rich. Really rich. His family owns almost 10 million square feet of real estate in Manhattan. He’s maintained residences simultaneously in South Salem, San Francisco, New Orleans, Houston, and Galveston, TX, just to name a few. And he’s super talented and famous. His HBO special is being hailed as groundbreaking and historic.


And he is truly a man after my own heart. Remember that two-timing cheat Igor Strelkov? (pictured below, with kitty)


Well, my new man took it upon himself to buy seven dogs, name them all Igor, and then kill them and dismember their bodies. Sure, he did that in the early eighties, more than twenty years before my own Igor dismembered my heart to prepare for dismembering Ukraine. But I still like to think that through the cosmic power of love, Robert brutalized those defenseless animals as an act of peremptory revenge.

And Bobby knows all about peremptory revenge..


All Susan Berman had to do was think about opening up to authorities about the disappearance of his first wife, and she was promptly found dead in her Los Angeles apartment with a single gun shot wound to the back of the head. Bobby has TERRIBLE luck with women.


When his wife Kathleen left him in 1982, he spiraled into a depression he’s still recovering from. He started doing all kinds of weird things like stealing band-aids (to mend his broken heart), and dressing up like a woman. Pay attention, guys. We like it when you’re in touch with your feminine side.


I’m not the only girl who can’t resist a wounded man. Plenty of women have tried to take Kathleen’s place since her disappearance. Like that cheap groupie slut Prudence Farrow. Dear Prudence, won’t you STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MAN???? And then there’s his wife. But I’m not too worried about her.


She looks like she was beaten with the UGLY stick.


Hell, she looks like she was shot in the back of the head with a .38 caliber UGLY gun and then hacked up by the UGLY bow saw, and stuffed into black plastic UGLY bags only to be found the next day in UGLY pieces floating in the UGLY bay with ripped out pages from UGLY WEEKLY addressed to the perpetrator’s home at 1313 UGLY Lane. Anyway, that’s just a marriage of convenience. Plus, Tommy had a wife, and that never stopped me.


Dating a real estate heir is gonna be a change of pace. Usually I go for international spy types or musicians. But contrary to what the Associated Press will have you believe, Robert Durst was never a member of Limp Bizkit. They must’ve misread my petition.


He was, however, featured in a System of a Down video.


I know I usually go for the bad boys, but I swear Bobby is totally innocent. Sure, he might have a minor substance abuse problem. But he did not kill his wife.


Or Susan Berman.


And Morris Black was an obvious case of self defense.


You see, when that evil bitch Jeanine Pirro tried to blame him for his wife’s disappearance, he couldn’t take it.


I mean, having to relive the most painful time in your life? And as a suspect? It was too much. So he ran away to Galveston and hid from the world. But those drifter drop outs are nothing but trouble, and one of them broke into his apartment with a gun. So he rose to the occasion and defended himself.


As for Susan Berman, she was the victim of a mob hit to prevent her from writing a tell-all about her father’s gangster dealings. Prosecutors even positively identified mafia hit man Nyle Brenner as the perpetrator through expert handwriting analysis. What more do you need? Of course the sea is filled with ambitious sharks like Jarecki and Pirro who have to distort the facts and take down a powerful man like Bobby to advance their own careers.


But it’s okay. I know the jury will see the light. They always have before. And once he’s a free man, he’ll divorce that charlatan Debrah and come to me! Until then, I have my dreams to keep me warm.


And a quick congrats to my old boy toy Bibi on the reelection. Ooh, I have Matzah fever!!!

bibi_1By Miep von Sydow (U.S. Nero)